“…though angry, remember Your compassion.” Habakkuk 3:2
Each week, I pick a verse or even a few words of Scripture or something else meaningful to meditate on each day. Something that I feel relates to my current situation and can be meaningful and relevant in times of joy and sorrow. With the changes of everyday, each day I find new meaning within the words.
This week, the words that have really stuck with me are the words of Habakkuk as he pleads with Hashem to be compassionate and return to Jerusalem. These words have served as a personal plea within myself this week. I cry out from within my heart each day for patience and compassion as pray to Hashem, interact with others, and evaluate myself. Most importantly, I try to be fully present in my relationships with others and connect with them past superficial levels. Though I am in a state of stress and anxiety, I try my best to bring my whole self to my relationships and reach out in new ways. I try to find patience with Hashem, others, myself and life. When I begin to fill with negativity, I take a deep breath and ground myself with the words, “…though angry, remember your compassion.”
Passover has finally come. I have so many emotions about the holiday I have been thinking about and beginning to record, but I feel the need to post something else first.
Today, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. A few weeks ago is when he first went to the doctor and found something abnormal, but today still came as a somewhat shock to my family. My father is young and in generally good health. I know that prostate cancer is usually treatable and trust that with proper care he will soon be well.
At the same time, I did have a few moments of tears and an overall day of contemplation. Even with the belief that my father will be okay, a stream of emotions came across me. Cancer is a big word. It brings up all sorts of feelings, and for me it most definitely brings up the idea of mortality. So many loved ones in my life have passed away from complications of cancer. And most recently, my grandfather was diagnosed with stage four throat cancer but is luckily in remission now. This also makes me question my own death and have the feeling that cancer is also inevitably in my future. It is news like this that makes me realize what little control I have over life, and that scares me.
I live my life with a fairly realistic outlook. I know death is inevitable, and I hope when the day comes I will accept and maybe even embrace it. I know that other things in life are also out of my control. As much as I want to accept this, I find a part of me fighting. I am not angry at Hashem but frustrated by my lack of understanding. I am in the middle of Passover, a holiday about redemption, and receiving bad news and reflecting on the fact that there are bad things in the world. I have to ask myself, where the hell is the redemption?
I understand that being redeemed does not mean that everything is perfect, and making the world a better place is something we do have some control over. These are just my current frustrations. I will continue to celebrate Passover. I will continue to not eat chametz. Even though, I am not yet liable, not part of Israel, and sure don’t feel redeemed (right now).