Forgiving

Rosh Hashanah is only about a week away, and the approaching High Holy Days bring about responsibility to reflect on actions and emotions of the past year in order to ask those around us for forgiveness. It is only through reaching out to those around us that we can go before Hashem and ask for mercy and forgiveness. With so much concentration on the act of asking for forgiveness it is easy to forget the other half of our job- forgiving.

Right now, I am angry, hurt and bitter. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, and I have just been informed of the third death in the past month of someone I loved. As I just began to feel some stability within me, I now feel surrounded by death.

It is hard to try and make sense of the loss and hurt, especially while being overwhelmed by many other stresses and blessings in my life. With Rosh Hashanah so close, I feel that there is a lesson here for me. I need to forgive. I should not only forgiving those family members and friends who have hurt me but also Hashem. I feel anger towards Hashem, mostly because I am frustrated by my lack of understanding. At the same time I am aware that just as I want to stand before those in my life and Hashem and be forgiven, I need to forgive those who have hurt me, including Hashem.

I have no time between now and the Holy Days to go through stages of grief and/or reasonably come to a state of forgiveness, yet I must forgive sincerely. It is hard because I want to be angry. I remind myself that there is a reason that the Mourner’s Kaddish, a prayer not referring to death but Hashem’s sovereignty, is said after a death. It reminds us that despite death, despite hurt, anger, loss and fear Hashem is in the world and in control. Rosh Hashanah reminds us of the same thing. I am thankful for this helpful reminder in the liturgical year, especially so close to such significant personal loss.

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My weekly meditation: Habakkuk 3:2

“…though angry, remember Your compassion.” Habakkuk 3:2

Each week, I pick a verse or even a few words of Scripture or something else meaningful to meditate on each day. Something that I feel relates to my current situation and can be meaningful and relevant in times of joy and sorrow.  With the changes of everyday, each day I find new meaning within the words.

This week, the words that have really stuck with me are the words of Habakkuk as he pleads with Hashem to be compassionate and return to Jerusalem. These words have served as a personal plea within myself this week. I cry out from within my heart each day for patience and compassion as pray to Hashem, interact with others, and evaluate myself. Most importantly, I try to be fully present in my relationships with others and connect with them past superficial levels. Though I am in a state of stress and anxiety, I try my best to bring my whole self to my relationships and reach out in new ways. I try to find patience with Hashem, others, myself and life. When I begin to fill with negativity, I take a deep breath and ground myself with the words, “…though angry, remember your compassion.”